fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
