Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
