Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
