Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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