shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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