I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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