dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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