In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
