Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
