Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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