That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
