Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
