It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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