I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
we're so committed to being not committed
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
