The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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