HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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