You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
