I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
