I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
