i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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