He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
