omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
