Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
