Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I looked at my own cervix.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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