She said her name was "party"
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
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