I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
