you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
