I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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