he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
