oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
