We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
