her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I looked at my own cervix.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
