I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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