why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
