You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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