Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
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throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
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Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping