If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
