also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
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I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
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She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?