it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
