I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
