so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
