They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
