I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
