I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
