It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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