dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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