go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
