it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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