Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
