cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
