What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
