You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
