Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
