I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
