Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
