Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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