You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
