I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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