I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
