There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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