I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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