Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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