Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Randomize
