i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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