I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
