I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
