Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
