ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
